Conflict with other people is an issue that I hear a lot about in my private practice and also of course something I deal with in my own life – though less and less. Learning how to work our way through conflict is a big part of being human. Whether it’s with a boss, a spouse, an ex or a sibling – relationship conflicts can be incredibly draining and seem never-ending when you are embroiled in them.
Most of us have been taught ways to deal with conflict on an emotional and mental level and how forgiveness is the key to releasing the bitterness and pain for ourselves that comes from most types of conflict (which I know to be true). But what I want to talk about more deeply is the “energetics” of conflict and how to diffuse it.
First – let’s look at the energetic pattern of a conflict between two people who are both actively engaged in it (meaning, both have a strong feeling or idea of how they want the conflict to be resolved). What the energy of this looks like is two people facing each other, both with their energy moving in an outward direction towards each other – clashing in the middle – and creating an immovable ball of energy that does not travel greatly in either direction and requires a HUGE amount of energy from both parties to keep animated.
(I’m a complete Harry Potter walking-wiki, so I’m going to make a reference here, and for those of you who don’t love HP as much as I do, and haven’t read all the books 12 times – my apologies 🙂 ).
Remember when Harry Potter and Voldemort first duel with their wands – and the energy meets in the middle and is just frozen there for a time? And remember how much energy it takes for both of them to keep it suspended like that?
Here’s a link to the video if you never saw the film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImQAFLaRpfQ
Well, when you are actively involved in conflict with another person – energetically this is pretty much what it looks like – EVEN IF you are not talking to the other person or physically in their presence. Energy doesn’t have physical boundaries – and so even if you haven’t spoken to the person you are in conflict with for years – the energy is still in that holding pattern. And maintaining that takes up a lot of your energy and “space”.
Here are some common things people say that may seem as though they have released the conflict – but in truth they are still holding it:
– I don’t even care. He/she is not worth it.
– I let it go. One day God/Karma/Life is going to catch up with them
– He/She is sick/mentally ill – and that’s why they act this way. Actually, I just feel sorry for them.
– I know that God/Karma/Life is on my side and I will be rewarded one day, so I just let it go.
To really let go of conflict and shift it energetically – a couple of things need to happen:
1. You need to really express your feelings around the situation. This means your anger, frustration, grief, desire for revenge – etc. If you have not let go of the emotions around a conflict – energetically you cannot disengage from it. I don’t recommend venting all of your feelings at the person you are in conflict with – as this will just give energy to the conflict itself. Instead, write it down, expressing yourself as fully and “rawly” as possible – and then burn the paper. You can also yell it out at the wall or scream into your pillow. Take deep breaths and when you exhale – visualise your anger and pain being breathed out and turning into something harmless and dissolving.
2. You need to decide what you are willing to “give up” in order to let go of the conflict. What purpose has it been serving in your life? Has focusing on a conflict been a distraction for you so that you don’t have to sit still with yourself and your own pain and address your personal healing needs?
Has it been a way of keeping yourself a victim, so that you don’t have to fully stand in your power?
Think about it and make some notes on what you are ready to let go of and what new energies you want to call into your life – such as self-love, healing, empowerment etc.
3. You need to forgive the person you are in conflict with. I know that this is a huge trigger for MANY people (and I can completely relate). But this is because we have the misconception that forgiving someone means we have accepted and approved of their actions. Forgiveness doesn’t meant this at all – what it means is that we no longer have a need to hold ourselves and another person in a pattern of conflict which is ultimately making us sick.
When we have not fully released the people in our lives who have been a trigger for our pain and discomfort; when we continue to feed that energy and not let it go; the only person we are really hurting is ourselves. The resentment, bitterness, anger etc prevent us from living our most joyful experiences in the present moment, the energy it takes to hold the conflict exhausts us – and if we hold on to it long enough, the negative feelings manifest as physical disease in the body.
Who wants that? No one of course.
So try to see forgiveness not as condoning, but as releasing yourself from the energy that keeps you stuck and unhappy. YOU deserve to receive the awesome benefits of forgiveness.
One of the most effective ways to do this is to write a letter to the person, detailing what you have learned about yourself as a result of the conflict that has happened and thanking them for the opportunity to grow that they/the situation provided you. Then state that you no longer need the conflict as your teacher and release each other from it in full forgiveness for any and all hurts in all times, spaces and dimensions. Then burn the letter and send that energy of forgiveness and release outwards.
4. You need to address the energetic patterns that have been created as a result of the conflict. Energy is something that is constantly flowing into and out of us – even if we have no awareness of it. When you have been in conflict with a person for a prolonged period of time – the energetic pathway becomes ingrained and can be difficult to step out of – even if you have done steps 1 and 2. There are times where maybe you have stepped out of a conflict, but perhaps the other person has not and continues to send aggressive energy towards you.
Because your energetic pathway to receive and engage with that conflict energy is so deeply carved – it can be difficult to change this.
There is a very simple and effective way to handle this. All you need do is visualise your energy that has been reaching outwards to “fight” this other person “coming back home” to you. Imagine that there is a pure and clean waterfall in front of you, and that as the energy you recall to yourself comes towards you – it passes through this waterfall and is completely cleansed of any negativity from the conflict.
Make a statement internally (or say it out loud!) that you have recalled all of yourself “home” and are no longer invested in this conflict, as you have released the emotions and forgiven yourself and the other person. And then put up a type of shield or mirror or deflector for the energy of the other person – so that whatever they might still be sending to you – is deflected away from you.
HOWEVER – and this is really important!! DO NOT just send that energy rocketing back towards the other person to be hit full in the face with… If you do – you will actually still be in energetic conflict/power struggle with them. Simply ask that the energy be neutrally deflected from you and returned to the over-soul or spiritual guides of that person – to be dealt with in their own way and time – and then stop thinking about it 🙂
5. You have to address the lineage. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. That experience is happening in many times, spaces and dimensions simultaneously. What this means is – 100% of us are all living multiple lives simultaneously. There are no “past” lives or “future” lives. There are parallel lives. As such – we have to take into account the conflicts we may be in with people, and between their lineage and our lineage – in all of these spaces. We have to ask that our energetic bonds of conflict be forgiven and released between all parties and lineages in all times, spaces, dimensions and realities. This can be a very important piece and should not be overlooked – for if you continue to engage in a conflict with a person or their lineage in a parallel life – the energetic ripples of that WILL reach you in this reality and may keep throwing a wrench into all your good efforts to release yourself from conflict.
6. Water your garden with new thoughts and feelings. After we go through this process, it can take time to truly solidify the new energies of forgiveness and release and see the results of this in our every-day life. Most people hope that if they go through this process – they will see a complete change in their conflict relationships overnight. And maybe you will. In certain situations I have certainly experienced this!
But in most cases, it will take some time for the new energies to be anchored and for the changes in your reality to be noticeable. In fact, there can even be a type of energetic “backlash” at first – where for example, you hear from the person you did the clearing with “out of the blue” and they really test you on your commitment to forgive and release the situation. Sometimes the situation can even appear to get WORSE temporarily – before there is at last a dissolution of the conflict.
There are a couple of reasons for this:
1 – other people – whether they are spiritually aware or not – will energetically feel that you have disengaged from the conflict. This may frighten or unnerve them. They may have been using this conflict as a way to focus all their anger and pain instead of looking at their own personal issues, or they may have been using it as an excuse to be a victim (look at your statements you wrote in step 2. It’s uncanny how often the reasons you were invested in the conflict are the SAME reasons the other person was too!). This is where it’s very important to resist the temptation to enter back into conflict with the other person.
Just remind yourself that they are likely in a position of fear about having to stand in their own energy now and ask that their over-soul or guides give them extra support and love during this time – and then disengage – energetically and physically. That could mean saying something like, “I love you and I forgive you, and I’m also sorry for the wrongs I’ve done to you and ask that you will also for give me. I wish all the best for both of us now”. Usually it’s best to then end contact with that person for a time. If in time – the other person feels that they would like to join you in the new energy of respect and cooperation – then you can always see how that feels for you.
Then – decide that you will invest your thoughts and energy in new thoughts, such as “I approve of and love myself – and I know that I am now attracting other people into my life who have the same attitude”.
2. In this reality, we all have free will – and luckily, “instant gratification” isn’t usually a part of that. I say luckily – because think of all the times during the day you say something “off hand” – such as “Oh drop dead!” or “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!”. If every time we said these things – someone else dropped dead at our feet or a horse appeared in front of us for our consumption – we’d be in trouble!!
That’s why we have a bit of a “window” to decide what we REALLY want to focus our energy and intentions on – and we may need to “repeat the order” to the Universe a few times to let it know we are really SURE. Sometimes as the energy of the conflict begins to dissolve – the Universe will send us a “rehash” of the initial conflict as its way of asking us, “Oh – are you really sure you want to stop investing in this energy?”
YES – you do – so just hold firm!
You may need to repeat any or all of the steps multiple times before you have really shifted your own energy and start to see results in your physical experience.
So if at first it doesn’t appear that anything has changed – don’t give up! Just keep going with it and KNOW that the changes are already manifesting around you.
Imagine if we started to do this kind of work to address larger conflicts? Such as between warring tribes or even nations?
First step – everyone has an opportunity to fully voice their anger and grief, and then goes through all the steps from giving up their victim roles to releasing and forgiving, to cleaning out their lineages and energetically redirecting their energies as a group.
Powerful stuff. And it starts with you 🙂